.: June 2009

Monday, June 29, 2009

Depression, Fatigue, or just motherhood?

I've never been one to put my feelings out there on the blog but at the moment I do feel like this is my only outlet.

Is this depression? fatigue? or just motherhood of 3?

I'm trying to stay strong and fight through the "pain" in my heart but it keeps getting harder to do.

Looking in the mirror I see an ugly, old women who no matter how hard I try will never be the beautiful, sexy, confident women Kevin fell in love with. When did my looks go? When did I start looking so old? When did my sexiness fly out the window?
I have nightmares of my worst fears every night. Some nights I wake up in tears, the dreams feel so real.
The only time I want to get dressed and ready to go do stuff outside the house is if I'm going to see people I might know (I wouldn't want them to know how tired and sad I feel).
Brave face, brave front, nice clothes, fresh makeup, hair done, kids dressed and clean "aah, no one will ever know how tired I am or the fear in my heart of loosing my husband or how sad I am even when I'm smiling."
Why does it take 2 hours to get myself and 3 kids ready? So instead I sit in my bed doing not much except for holding the baby, sitting the girls in front of the tv downstairs. (great mom hu?)

I am tired, I am sad, and I do wish this came easier.
I miss Kevin so much (he's working so hard and so many hours), I miss Arizona (wish I was there right now), and I miss you all (seeing friends and having you to talk to).

Oh well, thanks for letting me get that out.... this post will probably be erased soon when I realise how many of you will know I'm not as "good" as you all thought.