I've never been one to put my feelings out there on the blog but at the moment I do feel like this is my only outlet.
Is this depression? fatigue? or just motherhood of 3?
I'm trying to stay strong and fight through the "pain" in my heart but it keeps getting harder to do.
Looking in the mirror I see an ugly, old women who no matter how hard I try will never be the beautiful, sexy, confident women Kevin fell in love with. When did my looks go? When did I start looking so old? When did my sexiness fly out the window?
I have nightmares of my worst fears every night. Some nights I wake up in tears, the dreams feel so real.
The only time I want to get dressed and ready to go do stuff outside the house is if I'm going to see people I might know (I wouldn't want them to know how tired and sad I feel).
Brave face, brave front, nice clothes, fresh makeup, hair done, kids dressed and clean "aah, no one will ever know how tired I am or the fear in my heart of loosing my husband or how sad I am even when I'm smiling."
Why does it take 2 hours to get myself and 3 kids ready? So instead I sit in my bed doing not much except for holding the baby, sitting the girls in front of the tv downstairs. (great mom hu?)
I am tired, I am sad, and I do wish this came easier.
I miss Kevin so much (he's working so hard and so many hours), I miss Arizona (wish I was there right now), and I miss you all (seeing friends and having you to talk to).
Oh well, thanks for letting me get that out.... this post will probably be erased soon when I realise how many of you will know I'm not as "good" as you all thought.
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5 comments:
Alright Miss...first off you just had a baby and this happens to the best of us.
I remember after I had Bella I had all sorts of strange nightmares...really really weird dreams that Id wake up from and scream out for Benji because I thought they were so real....its hormones really!
After I had Reece...I was so overwhelmed...I had a almost 3 yr old and a barely 1 year old and I had a c-section which seriously took me 2 whole months to recover from. I also nursed and I felt like that is all I did all day. Benji could only take a week off and then I was on my own...I cried that first week a lot and I was in pain.
Angie you are a great Mom, you have to give your body time to recover and I totally understand how you feel about your husband working alot....there are days seriously when the kids during the week don't even see their dad.
It really took me a few months to get back into the swing of life...I would get frustrated a lot but I would take one look in Reece's eyes and just melt...moms are perfect in the eyes of their children.
Have you talked to Kevin about all of this???
All women feel so unsexy after having children....talk to Kevin just tell him how you feel and that you need a little extra emotional support for awhile.
I saw a couple saturday with brand new triplets and the Rain Forest Cafe...one was still even on oxygen...I walked over to their table and said you guys are amazing...I only had one at a time but after each one came I didn't leave the house for months....I didn't say that I thought maybe because they were still preemies that being at a restaurant probably was not the best idea...haha! They said they never go out its been a month...they just had to get out and go somewhere noisy.
Im not sure what my point of that story was but your awesome...you'll pull thru this. You are in a new town, new jobs, new baby...so much new all at once. Blog about what your feeling if that makes you feel better!
Wow I wrote a lot!
Love ya Angie :)
oh angie,
just so you know, you are so not alone in the way you are feeling. i have suffered with depression (not baby blues depression, but a serious deep depression) and have more days then i could and can count where i never showered, got dressed, kids stayed in jammies all day, and didn't move off the couch. i really feel for you because i know the exact feelings that you are having. just know this...you do what works for you and your kids and husband right now. who cares if you don't shower? who cares if your house is a mess. take it easy, relax, tell yourself your beautiful every day (cause you really trully are) and force yourself to find something that your grateful for. heavenly father and jesus know your pain. when you have no one to talk to turn to them. use prayer as an outlet and i promise he will help you and guide you. my heart hurts for you hang in there because this will pass. love you!!!!!
Ang...i struggled with baby blues a few times actually. For some reason my 3rd child was the hardest and it took alot of surrending to time and my children and not doing house work. I wanted to be all that I could be...but failed and now realize that I needed to be all I could be to my children and not the rest of the world. When I had my babies I missed the adult conversation I so badly needed from Luke. I was lonely and he was right there with me, but I failed to tell him about it!
But you know, when I started talking about it to Luke (really talking to him) and he heard my concerns and sadness....I felt so much better. I also have to say, I started taking a very low dosage of birth control and it was like over night my days seemed brighter. I took it for maybe 4 months and then went off when I felt better. It's those freaking hormones that do it to us and fatigue and overwhelmingness of being a mother again.
Believe it or not...this will pass...but make sure youre talking about it with someone, other wise things get very dark and that's really not a good place to be. I promise!
ps...i AGREE WITH addie..hit your knees girl, there is always help there.
fist of all you have something big on me...i was NEVER sexy! but i was thin and now i'm not and i need to still figure that one out.
angie i am so sorry. i can't say anything different then the other ladies have said. it really is the hardest place to be. i suffered with PPD for 4 LOOOOONG months after having tristan. i would NEVER hurt my child but i vividly remember thinking that i could stab him with a kitchen knife or strangle him...NOT because i wanted to but because that is what those nasty hormones and PPD/psycosis do to some women. i cried all the time and felt like it would never end. it did!
i was afraid to have other kids but knew that if i did i would just be crazy for a bit and then there would be a "new normal" for the benintendis. with jenna i had baby blues for two weeks and with tatum i was pleased to find that i was just fine. this time around wasn't easy for me and lasted the longest. a common thread in all of my depression was that i needed CONSTANT approval from jeff. i needed him to want to be with me and only me, i felt like i needed to serve him in every way for him to love me enough...and so much more. it was torture!
i understand the sick and tight feeling in your chest, the one that lets you know that at the drop of a hat you WILL fall into a puddle of tears.
angie, you are as "good" and better then i though. you are strong and you can do this. it's hard but take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one. so many women suffer like this, women that you know, friends. we all eventually make to the other side and you will too. just pay attention to yourself and don't lett it last too long. talk to your OB and get help if your comming up on your 2 month mark and it's still unbearable.
life will get better soon, i promise. i love you and i'm so soory.
3 kids kinda did put me over the edge for awhile...we didn't really get the "hang" of it until Cahlynn was 7 months old(I know that's not exactly comforting). I did a little birth control pill then and it really did help. Sometimes the family just needs a little change in dynamics too. When Cashlynn was 6 months old I started to babysit a little girl Colters age a few hours a week...it helped the boys sooo much!! I had been doing the same thing you posted about, being on the couch and the boys would watch TV. This change made a big differance for us. I know your Kevin works hard for your family...I am pretty sure he still knows your his hottie!! You are a beautiful mommy, take Kevin on a cheap date! And yes as others commented talk to him and get down on your knees sista!! Hang in there.
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