They say there is a calm when you are in the eye of a storm. Almost a peace because you know for a moment you are safe there. However you also know to get to dry land you are going to have to leave that place of solace and that you are now in for the fight of your life to get to land.
Tonight after many weeks of sadness, tears, anger, and more hurt than I thought one soul could handle, I'm sitting in the eye of the storm but I can't keep sitting here hoping it will pass on it's own. I need to figure out a way to get back to solid ground.
I'm in for the fight of my life, a fight I never thought I'd have to face but here I am facing it.
It's not fair to me or my body to cry myself to sleep or wake up every night shaking so hard it 's painful. It's not fair to burst into tears because your 6 year old doesn't want to clean up and says something so hurtful (something you never thought she'd even be able to use against you.)
Tonight laying here wondering?.. move on or keep fighting for something that might not have never been? It's 5am and I might be rambling but I've said 3 prayers already and if I cry now I might wake the little ones, I have no one to call or scream at or hit!
It's just me sitting alone in the eye...Do I fight for dry land and risk never fully recovering my soul or do I sit and wait for a rescue that I'm almost 99% sure (as of Wednesday) is never coming?
I have so much hate and anger and regret and have been so shattered/crushed through this whole obstacle or challenge or "lesson" or whatever turn of phrase that you would use in this situation. THAT I don't want to recover I want to lay down and let the current drag me away!
Becuase of all the kind words and prayers I know one day I will appreciate them even more than now. But for now I have to scream cuz I'm so damn angry that it seems "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!"
So now it's time for the choice...stay here in the eye where the storm only feels real when I'm awake, or fight to get to land and rebuild what once used to be a beautiful loving safe haven? (one member short).
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4 comments:
you fight for dry land! you can do it Ang. There is an additional person on your side..rely on the LOrd and let him carry you to the safe haven of land. It still will be a fight for you and your family...but don't forget to let HIM take your pains.
love you girl. You can do this! I know how strong you are! You have always been strong and totally capable of this fight!
i agree 100% with rennie!!!!! you CAN do this! the calm that you feel are the prayers of the people who love you and heavenly father answering those prayers with his loving arms. he will ALWAYS be there but he is going to let you(when you're ready) fight your way to dry land...and you're right, it's gonna be a hard fight but FIGHT YOU WILL! i have confidence in you!
Fight for it hun! THank you for sharing your honest words and feelings. Your loving heavenly father knows your pain knows your heart. We are all praying for you. If you ever need someone to just listen, i'm here.
Ah, if only we could make people do what we want them to do and remember the promises they made--but we can't. We only have control over our own self. Your girlfriends are right. You have friends and you have someone who loves you more than Kevin ever could and he's only a prayer away. We love you and you're welcome aboard my life raft because I'm paddling straight toward you.
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